These are some of the best cat jokes and insights I've ever heard. As
a cat "owner" I can totally appreciate (and relate) to these
Cats vs. Men
- A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with
- You can't put a bell around your man's neck and always know
exactly where he is.
- You can stroke a cat without automatically being expected
to have sex.
- When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you
up by smashing into the furniture.
- Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
- Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
- Cats will love you even when you have bad hair days.
- Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much
cellulite you have.
- Men can't be neutered if they stray.
- It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
- You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
- A cat is never late for dinner.
- Cats love to see you come home from shopping with
lots of bags!
- You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
- Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
- A cat can't fake loving you.
- Cats actually think with their heads.
- Cata can fend for themselves.
- When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
A little boy was with his dad looking at a litter of kittens.
Upon returning home, the little boy could not wait to tell
his mother that there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kttens.
"How do you know?" asked his mother.
The boy replied, "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.
I think it's printed on the bottom."
Cat For Sale
A well-known art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a
saucer in the doorway of a store.
The collector does a double take. He sees that the saucer
is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into
the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for
"Sold!" says the store owner and he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat
seems to be used to it and it'll save me from having to get
The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Do You Own a Cat or Does a Cat Own You?
- Do you sleep without your pillow, because the cat
wants to sleep on it?
- Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping
on the chair?
- Do you always make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the
house, even though you may not notice that you have run out
of toilet paper until it's too late?
- Do you go stay in uncomfortable positions or continue to
stay in one place because the cat is curled up on your
- Does it always take you longer than expected to read a
magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while
- Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when
you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into it
and is now asleep?
- Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet and of
course bring them out when your friends share pictures of
their children? (Don't lie, polls show that 40 percent of cat
owners do carry their pet's pictures in their wallets)
- Do you expect your friends and family to say a few words
to your cat when they call you on the phone?
- Do you keep old, empty boxes all over the house instead
of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in them?
- At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter
before you pick out anything for yourself?
- Did you buy a video of fish swimming in an aquarium to
entertain your cat?
- Do your Christmas cards feature your cat sitting
on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card? Is your cat's
name on the answering machine!?
- Will you confess to non-cat owners how many cats you
- Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
- Do you climb out of bed like Spiderman to avoid
disturbing your sleeping cat?
- Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
- Do you stand at the open door, patiently, in the
freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding
whether to go out or come in?
- Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? On
- Do you give your cat Christmas presents and stuff a stocking
full of toys? Do you spend more for your cat than you do
for your spouse?
- Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat
food in the refrigerator?
- Do you microwave your cat's food or better yet, prepare
it from scratch?
- Will you sleep in the same position all night because it
distrubs your cats when you move?
- Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the
- Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast
consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon,
halibut, or trout? Do you make it every Sunday?
- Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because
you both watched the same commercial on television?
- Does your cat like to sleep on your head? Do you like it also?
- Do you introduce your cat when guests come to your house?
- Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat
than go out on a bad date? What about a good date?
Random Cat Thoughts
Most people with cats, know they are being controlled.
That ia the most distrubing part
A cat knows your every thought. They don't care, but
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants to be fed.
There are many intelligent species in the universe and the
cat owns them all.
Jokes For Kids
Q: Why is a thirsty cat like a track runner?
A: He keeps going back for one more lap.
Q: Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
A: They only have one tail.
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk.
Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
A: Puss in boots.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet