Cat Jokes

These are some of the best cat jokes and insights I've ever heard. As a cat "owner" I can totally appreciate (and relate) to these hilarious observations.

Cats vs. Men

  • A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with friends.
  • You can't put a bell around your man's neck and always know exactly where he is.
  • You can stroke a cat without automatically being expected to have sex.
  • When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
  • Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
  • Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
  • Cats will love you even when you have bad hair days.
  • Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.
  • Men can't be neutered if they stray.
  • It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
  • You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
  • A cat is never late for dinner.
  • Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
  • You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
  • Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
  • A cat can't fake loving you.
  • Cats actually think with their heads.
  • Cata can fend for themselves.
  • When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

Kitten Gender

A little boy was with his dad looking at a litter of kittens. Upon returning home, the little boy could not wait to tell his mother that there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kttens.

"How do you know?" asked his mother.

The boy replied, "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom."

Cat For Sale

A well-known art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

The collector does a double take. He sees that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

"Sold!" says the store owner and he hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Do You Own a Cat or Does a Cat Own You?

  • Do you sleep without your pillow, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
  • Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
  • Do you always make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may not notice that you have run out of toilet paper until it's too late?
  • Do you go stay in uncomfortable positions or continue to stay in one place because the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
  • Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you're reading?
  • Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into it and is now asleep?
  • Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet and of course bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Don't lie, polls show that 40 percent of cat owners do carry their pet's pictures in their wallets)
  • Do you expect your friends and family to say a few words to your cat when they call you on the phone?
  • Do you keep old, empty boxes all over the house instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in them?
  • At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
  • Did you buy a video of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
  • Do your Christmas cards feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card? Is your cat's name on the answering machine!?
  • Will you confess to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
  • Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
  • Do you climb out of bed like Spiderman to avoid disturbing your sleeping cat?
  • Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
  • Do you stand at the open door, patiently, in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
  • Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? On any day!?
  • Do you give your cat Christmas presents and stuff a stocking full of toys? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
  • Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
  • Do you microwave your cat's food or better yet, prepare it from scratch?
  • Will you sleep in the same position all night because it distrubs your cats when you move?
  • Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
  • Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout? Do you make it every Sunday?
  • Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
  • Does your cat like to sleep on your head? Do you like it also?
  • Do you introduce your cat when guests come to your house?
  • Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? What about a good date?

Rules Cats Live By


Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything you only need to sit and stare.


Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.


If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the trail is very long.


If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules for "hampering:"

  • When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  • If your human is a book reader, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  • For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and push the pencil or pen away from your human.
  • For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.
  • When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
  • When your human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap, arm or on the keyboard itself to hamper typing in progress.


As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of your human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help them to improve their coordination skills.


Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move around too much. If possible, sleep on the head or face.


When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.


Every now and then, hide in a place where your humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.


Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.

Cat Physics

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Random Cat Thoughts

Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That ia the most distrubing part

A cat knows your every thought. They don't care, but they know.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants to be fed.

There are many intelligent species in the universe and the cat owns them all.

Jokes For Kids

Q: Why is a thirsty cat like a track runner?
A: He keeps going back for one more lap.

Q: Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
A: They only have one tail.

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk.

Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
A: Puss in boots.

Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
A: C-A-T

Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet