These are some of the best cat jokes and insights I've ever heard. As
a cat "owner" I can totally appreciate (and relate) to these
Cats vs. Men
- A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with
- You can't put a bell around your man's neck and always know
exactly where he is.
- You can stroke a cat without automatically being expected
to have sex.
- When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you
up by smashing into the furniture.
- Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
- Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
- Cats will love you even when you have bad hair days.
- Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much
cellulite you have.
- Men can't be neutered if they stray.
- It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
- You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
- A cat is never late for dinner.
- Cats love to see you come home from shopping with
lots of bags!
- You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
- Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
- A cat can't fake loving you.
- Cats actually think with their heads.
- Cata can fend for themselves.
- When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
A little boy was with his dad looking at a litter of kittens.
Upon returning home, the little boy could not wait to tell
his mother that there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kttens.
"How do you know?" asked his mother.
The boy replied, "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.
I think it's printed on the bottom."
Cat For Sale
A well-known art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a
saucer in the doorway of a store.
The collector does a double take. He sees that the saucer
is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into
the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for
"Sold!" says the store owner and he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat
seems to be used to it and it'll save me from having to get
The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Do You Own a Cat or Does a Cat Own You?
- Do you sleep without your pillow, because the cat
wants to sleep on it?
- Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping
on the chair?
- Do you always make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the
house, even though you may not notice that you have run out
of toilet paper until it's too late?
- Do you go stay in uncomfortable positions or continue to
stay in one place because the cat is curled up on your
- Does it always take you longer than expected to read a
magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while
- Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when
you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into it
and is now asleep?
- Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet and of
course bring them out when your friends share pictures of
their children? (Don't lie, polls show that 40 percent of cat
owners do carry their pet's pictures in their wallets)
- Do you expect your friends and family to say a few words
to your cat when they call you on the phone?
- Do you keep old, empty boxes all over the house instead
of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in them?
- At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter
before you pick out anything for yourself?
- Did you buy a video of fish swimming in an aquarium to
entertain your cat?
- Do your Christmas cards feature your cat sitting
on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card? Is your cat's
name on the answering machine!?
- Will you confess to non-cat owners how many cats you
- Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
- Do you climb out of bed like Spiderman to avoid
disturbing your sleeping cat?
- Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
- Do you stand at the open door, patiently, in the
freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding
whether to go out or come in?
- Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? On
- Do you give your cat Christmas presents and stuff a stocking
full of toys? Do you spend more for your cat than you do
for your spouse?
- Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat
food in the refrigerator?
- Do you microwave your cat's food or better yet, prepare
it from scratch?
- Will you sleep in the same position all night because it
distrubs your cats when you move?
- Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the
- Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast
consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon,
halibut, or trout? Do you make it every Sunday?
- Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because
you both watched the same commercial on television?
- Does your cat like to sleep on your head? Do you like it also?
- Do you introduce your cat when guests come to your house?
- Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat
than go out on a bad date? What about a good date?
Rules Cats Live By
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything you only need to sit and stare.
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so
the trail is very long.
HAMPERING (a.k.a. HELPING):
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
- If your human is a book reader, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
- For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work
as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach
out and push the pencil or pen away from your human.
- For people paying bills or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. When being removed for
the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly
in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans
- When your human is working at the computer, jump up on
the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse
pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap, arm or on the
keyboard itself to hamper typing in progress.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of your human, especially on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will help
them to improve their coordination skills.
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't
move around too much. If possible, sleep on the head or face.
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel
of kitty litter between their toes.
Every now and then, hide in a place where your humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours
under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to
panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away
or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover
you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their
face, then turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in
the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the
length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any counter top that has anything remotely interesting
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed
at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to
show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume,
minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion
to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to
reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Random Cat Thoughts
Most people with cats, know they are being controlled.
That ia the most distrubing part
A cat knows your every thought. They don't care, but
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants to be fed.
There are many intelligent species in the universe and the
cat owns them all.
Jokes For Kids
Q: Why is a thirsty cat like a track runner?
A: He keeps going back for one more lap.
Q: Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
A: They only have one tail.
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk.
Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
A: Puss in boots.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet