Cat Jokes

These are some of the best cat jokes and insights I've ever heard. As a cat "owner" I can totally appreciate (and relate) to these hilarious observations.

Cats vs. Men

  • A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with friends.
  • You can't put a bell around your man's neck and always know exactly where he is.
  • You can stroke a cat without automatically being expected to have sex.
  • When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
  • Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
  • Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
  • Cats will love you even when you have bad hair days.
  • Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.
  • Men can't be neutered if they stray.
  • It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
  • You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
  • A cat is never late for dinner.
  • Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
  • You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
  • Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
  • A cat can't fake loving you.
  • Cats actually think with their heads.
  • Cata can fend for themselves.
  • When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

Kitten Gender

A little boy was with his dad looking at a litter of kittens. Upon returning home, the little boy could not wait to tell his mother that there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kttens.

"How do you know?" asked his mother.

The boy replied, "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom."

Cat For Sale

A well-known art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

The collector does a double take. He sees that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

"Sold!" says the store owner and he hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Do You Own a Cat or Does a Cat Own You?

  • Do you sleep without your pillow, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
  • Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
  • Do you always make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may not notice that you have run out of toilet paper until it's too late?
  • Do you go stay in uncomfortable positions or continue to stay in one place because the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
  • Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you're reading?
  • Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into it and is now asleep?
  • Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet and of course bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Don't lie, polls show that 40 percent of cat owners do carry their pet's pictures in their wallets)
  • Do you expect your friends and family to say a few words to your cat when they call you on the phone?
  • Do you keep old, empty boxes all over the house instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in them?
  • At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
  • Did you buy a video of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
  • Do your Christmas cards feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card? Is your cat's name on the answering machine!?
  • Will you confess to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
  • Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
  • Do you climb out of bed like Spiderman to avoid disturbing your sleeping cat?
  • Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
  • Do you stand at the open door, patiently, in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
  • Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? On any day!?
  • Do you give your cat Christmas presents and stuff a stocking full of toys? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
  • Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
  • Do you microwave your cat's food or better yet, prepare it from scratch?
  • Will you sleep in the same position all night because it distrubs your cats when you move?
  • Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
  • Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout? Do you make it every Sunday?
  • Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
  • Does your cat like to sleep on your head? Do you like it also?
  • Do you introduce your cat when guests come to your house?
  • Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? What about a good date?

Random Cat Thoughts

Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That ia the most distrubing part

A cat knows your every thought. They don't care, but they know.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants to be fed.

There are many intelligent species in the universe and the cat owns them all.

Jokes For Kids

Q: Why is a thirsty cat like a track runner?
A: He keeps going back for one more lap.

Q: Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
A: They only have one tail.

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk.

Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
A: Puss in boots.

Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
A: C-A-T

Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet